Hi, It’s been a long timeee.
Actually I wanna write this on the last day of 2020 but end up writing this at 00.26 1/1/2021. Well, it’s also a special day so yeah whatever it is. I almost forget when exactly I posted on my blog, I almost forget abt my blog tbh.
This a new year and everyone is happy at this time, playing with firework, gather with family, bbq, held a party and many more meanwhile there is me lying under the blanket and still overthinking about many things haha. Until I decided to do some hobbies. Actually me personally also didn’t want a party or like the others did but I just wanna a free mind and a happy night heol why it’s so difficult?? And btw I really hates my connection tonight arrgg what’s wrong with me?
Okay so let’s go with the main purpose I write this.
2020..
The only thing I can remember about 2020 is this is the worst year ever. You know I’ve just playback the moments in 2020 in my head and what the hell I thought 2020 is just this semester, I only can remember the last 3 months that I spend to do a community service and teaching practice and NCT 2020, seriously. I thought I did proposal last year, I thought Hospital playlist and crash landing on you from 2019, I feel like it’s a separate year. The only thing I remember abt 2020 is corona. And I forgot everything that happen in lockdown moment. It feels like I was about to consul my thesis, I closed my eyes, and when I open my eyes vice versa this is 2021 maann. I know this is crazy yeah I’m crazy right now.
It makes me feel more sad because that means I filled my 2020 with nothing. No progress, no change maybe just become more worst than before. That’s why I feel so emotional tonight, I felt sad because there is nothing I can do in this 2020 beside become a disappointment daughter as always. Ohh I filled my 2020 with validation of my instrument hahahahhh how can I forgot that legendary moment?? Day by day passed that year and I felt dumber, useless, ugliest, bad.
I remember the last moment I went to the hospital for got a drugs for my crazy mental. Btw I’m tired of consume drugs so I stopped it hahah. I know this is totally wrong but I can’t handle it anymore, it’s tiring. Maybe because it’s not the same as my expectation, I don’t know maybe I just needed share my problems with professional and that means I need psycholog maybe, not a psychiatry. So yeah that’s my mental health problem this 2020 solved by stopped consuming drugs haha.
2020 is so tiring. Sometimes I feel time flies so fast but sometimes I feel it’s going so slow. There is something about 2020 haha. The main point is there is COVID-19 this year who spread all around the world make, start the worst year for everyone. We must stay at home, couldn’t go out with calm mind, afraid of everything what we touch, and the worst is work from home and school from home. It’s make us crazy. And ofc it makes so many problems in every aspect esp for the human’s ego. Yeah ego, in this pandemic era we can see the true color of everyone and what the hell social minister -_-. Is this year of black lives matter too? Oh c’mon I don’t know whats wrong with 2020.
I almost forgettt, because of that damn corona, I can’t go to do a community service as my plans, that f*cking virus broke all of my plans, I want to cryyyyy remember it. It’s like a domino effect, I can’t did thing as my plans then I must change it immedietly so I left behind everyone. then here I’m do a community service with my junior and the most important thing is must to filter the thing that good for healthy and not yeah people’s questioning face.
That’s it. What makes my 2020 was hardest is other people opinion. I really know that it shouldn’t effect anything to me but hey it’s me, I can’t live with closed ears forever. I also remember the moment when I really want to give up. On the waiting chair in the hospital I was crying because I really can’t handle my life. That time, everyday my mind was full of the way to end up my life or end up my thesis struggle. I really really really can’t holdin’ on, it’s before I’ve got a signed on my validation instrument. Call me crazy but one of my reason to life because of hospital playlist drama. Everytime Andrea want to give up as a doctor, his brother always said “give up tomorrow, now let’s continue” I did it to myself. Holdin’ on today please, just for today until this day I still holdin’ on. Alhamdulillah.
My life was full of lose hope this year. I even thought I would be crazy. To be honest, at the first I really didn’t like my community service-friends haha. I just felt that we can not walking on the same path. Sometimes they are really annoying and everyday I tell my friends that I can’t do this anymore, I want to end this soon. But well, as others ppl said, even though your friends is annoying you would miss them. Last one week we always tgt and that time I feel like we become closer and at the end of the day I’m cryin’ because we will be separate away. Yeah, I wish you guys a happy life.
The best thing that happen in my 2020 is NCT 2020. I’m glad that project was happen. Super super glateful. They become my moodbooster everytime I feel tried. Seriously, without them I don’t know my 2020 will remain as my grey to black year to me.
Last, I would like to say thank youuu very much for everyone who made my worst 2020 be better. NCT 2020, thank you so much for your hardwork this year, thank you so much for cheer me up when I was down. Huang Renjun, I know this resonance is your era, I really happy for you, thank you for all of your effort. My bestfriends, blackvelvet and etc thank you so much for always holding my hand, for support me in any condition, for told me when I was wrong, for being my support system when I was abt to give up. Actually you guys also one of my reason to life, because I want to see you live happily, I want to see your soulmate. Thank you for become my reason. My family who always support me, thank you for being a strong person. I know you as tired as me when people asked you about my study. I’m sorry for being a bad daughter again as always. Thank you for always understand my struggle and thank you for understand my mental problem. I know it’s hard for you to believe. I’m sorry for being embarrassing child either bc of my study and my mental health. Very last, for me. Thank you, myself. Thank you for holdin’ on until today. Thank you for not listen to a loud sound in your head. Thank you thank you thank you for choosing to still breathing. Thank you for not giving up when the world and life betrayed you. Thank you for become a strong person, even though you are in pain. It’s your highest achievement, still alive. Thank you, 2020 for all the lesson. Welcome 2021. Please be a great year!
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