TALK WITH DOY

Hello! I know this would sound so cringe or maybe creepy for some people. Talk with doy? Wkwk this is crazy I know. I have many friends to talk to but idk, maybe I just need to write down what I feel right now before I do crazy things again. Ok whatever it is. Just skip skip. 

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Hai kak Doy. Wait, I really don’t know what to say. 

This last 2 weeks I feel so nano-nano? I feel so desperate of everything. I feel so dumb. I feel like I want to die (again). Should I said that I can’t sleep well? I sleep at 6 A.M, sometimes it’s because insomnia but sometimes I just too lazy to sleep. I know this sound crazy but yeah I feel so lazy to sleep. Wait, Idk how to start. Sometimes, I put away my phone, turn off the lamp, lying on the bed, close my eyes, trying to sleep but my head is about to explode. It’s so noisy there, really. And again, it will play some dramatic scenario about how I should end my own life. I was learn about hypnosis or self healing method and it always ask me to remember all of the happy things, the happiest moments in my life and sadly I can’t remember anything, even just one. I’m cryin’ so loud over this. Why tf I can’t remember anything? I tried really hard to remember a thing but still struggle. One thing that came in my mind just when I finally go to psychiatric to fixed myself. Haha irony, I’m so sad knowing that my happiest moments still relate with my mental problem. Tbh, sometimes my body want to rest, but I rejected it. Idk why I rejected it and force my self to still awake. Maybe because handphone is so interesting. Sometimes it’s 03.30 a.m, my body gave a sign to rest but the early morning prayer has to come so I waited until the time has come. Then I slept until noon. So unhealthy right? I know someday I will collapse if I still sleep like that. My life is so disorganized. I was trying to fixed it, but it’s hard. But still kak doy, I don’t want to call it insomnia. I hate my pills because of the sleep effect. 

Oh btw, I stopped consume my pills last year because it’s exhausted. I slept all day long, can’t eat, can’t take a shower, can’t do a prayer, everything is so chaos and sometimes I forgot what I do the day before. Ik I should tell my psychiatric abt it but I didn’t. Because of COVID-19, I was afraid to go to hospital and I feel so good, you know I felt so fine that time. Another reason, maybe it’s just me but I feel didn’t connect well with my psychiatric so I decided to not do it anymore. Ik the consequence of stopping consuming pills immediately. It would be more worst than before, firstly I ignore it, I feel so fine, waittt…. After I look up my sharing platform I think I never that fine actually. I just tryin’ to be fine. I was even want to gave up on life (ik I felt like this everytime but that time I really really want to give up). Okay, so yeah it’s my fault for everything. Now, everything getting more worst. 

Oke kak doy, I just want to tell you my feeling so just listen up. I feel so exhausted last year start from last September until today. But that time I still can hahahihi because I was in front of the others people all the time. But when I felt it’s overwhelming and I can’t handle it anymore, I would take a rest and take my time, I need to charge my energy. In the beginning of 2021, I was step back from my family, from my home. I run away and really take my time alone. And that time my nightmare has been start again. Kak doy, I think it’s start hard to tell. So the bomb atom that I hold from home was exploded. I was crying every day for a week and still counting. It’s hard. It’s because of so many things. One of the main reason yeahh maybe my study, my thesis. Seriously, I really don’t want to tell you this things because I feel so dumb to think that way, I feel so weak. Idk why make thesis as the reason of my stress make me feel so weak and shame. 

You know, it’s been 3 weeks I didn’t wake up with “good morning” but “I want to die, I want to hurt my self”. The first thing I see when I woke up is my hand, my left hand exactly. I imagine that I scratch the damn razor on it. Now, beside the moment when I woke up, I feel it for almost everytime. And when I feel useful, so dumb, fail, doing a bad work, make mistake, angry to the others people, make ppl disappoint,  the encouragement to hurting my self more bigger. I know I should doing my thesis but I don’t, I just sit down there with my blankspace brain so I want to hurt my self. My mom call me, and Idk everytime my mom or dad call me I was abt to explode. They just want to know my condition, but I replay with high voice. I’m so sensitive. After that I was crying and want to hurt my self. Until I decided to didn’t pick up my family phonecall. Just see their name make my heart beat so fast and crying for no reason. I’m so toxic I know. That’s why sometimes I avoid others ppl phonecall and replay their chat a few hours later even a few days later. I don’t want to hurt anyone but tbh sometimes I just too lazy to communicate with other hehe I’m sorry if I was so selfish. Sorry. 

Kak doy, I even lied to my parents for few things that I can not answer honestly. Even about my thesis, they would think I’m doing okay but I’m not. I’m stuck. Doing nothing. That time, I really want to hurt my self. Really. I just looking at my phone all the time. Actually, tbh, I was escape from my real life with kpop or anything that make me laugh. I’m tired with my own mind. I want it to stop but it didn’t. so I trying to laugh with kpop. EXO, NCT, and Huang Renjun thank you so much. Saw them laugh make me happy. 

Finally, there is a day when I really realization the scenario on my mind. Actually I still afraid to realization a few scenario in my mind, but that day I think of nothing. Blank. I really just want to hurt myself but I know it could cut off my vena as well. I might be die and I don’t care anymore that time. But, Allah really loves me. One of my friend calls me for no reason, I won’t to pick it up but he calls me with his number not by whatsapp so I thought it was so important but he just asked about my research, he asked me if I’m doing okay. When I asked him why he call me, he said he just remember me for no reason, then I was crying out loud. I’m not the person who can cry in front of others people but that day I can’t holdin’ it. I feel like Allah just save me from doing dumb things even I have so manyyyyyyyyy sinsssss. But Allah still send him to save me. I also feel grateful for having so many great friends. They have their own role in my life. Friend who I can share my problems, friend who will cheer me up with their nojaem jokes even they don’t know what tf happen with me, friends who will hanging up with me and doing dumbass things.. But still, that time I feel so lonely haha. 

I know I need Allah in my life so I didn’t feel lonely again. I really know it well that I’m so far away from Allah these days. I’m lazy for doing prayer or reading Al-qur’an. It’s so different from before. Kak doy, I feel like I lost my self, I feel like I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what my reson to live in this world, I know as muslim yeah for serving to Allah oh my god so dumb. But you know kak doy, I always want give up and no motivate for living because I feel like there is no purpose for me to live. Wtf I just said. I always afraid of afterlife but today I feel like I didn’t thinking about it again, I always thinking about my parents if I ended my life but today I didn’t thinking about it again. Butt, yesterday I’ve just finished watching The Uncanny Counter k-drama and it’s about world and yung, about death and bad-soul  and at the end there is characters that has been doing bad when they were lived and they asked for forgiveness and another chance to live again to repair their mistake even tho they know that it’s too late. They made the scene so funny but it has deep meaning for me. 

Kak doy, I think that’s all of my thought these days. I wish after I tell you my worried, I will feel good again and can doing my work again. I need to graduate anyway. I can not depends my life on someone to motivate me because even other people tell me this and that if it’s not from my own self I will not going anywhere. I need to move, motivate my self too beside the great and weird people behind me. Well, a week ago I said I need to live just until I see Renjun relay cam but maybe not, I think I need to see Renjun solo too, 7 Dreams full album, EXO comeback with 9 members, I think I need so many things to do. Thank you kak doy for listening to me. Thank you so much. I feel better now. 

Btw, I’m thinking about going to another professional, maybe this time is psychologist. But I need to collect my courage to tell my parents again, just like the first time.