T-WORD JOURNEY

I bet you understand what I call T-word wkwkw. Yeah this story would about that fucking thesis. I was planned to write this even when I’m still working on it hahah but glad it’s already finisheedddd. I was working on it from 2019 until 2021. Just cry with meeeee. I hate it so much but I learn a loooooooootttttt of things from here. I understand Thesis not about the result but about the journey to finish it. Maybe that’s why, people said “Great thesis is not the spectacular one but the one that finished” cause the journey was full of tears and wounds. I write this down to remember that I was great to through all of this. I’m proud of myself.  It’s so precious memory for me. Because thesis not only read some paper, journal, books, article then make it into words then sentences then build into paragraph then a whole chapter then violaaa a fucking thesis. But more than that.

So okay, I’ll start from proposal one. It start on the last 2019, 7^th semester. It’s the time that I was supposed to do community service but I didn’t cz of some reason. So I was started working on my proposal and also the biggest reason was my English subject about proposal development. But thanks to my lecture that time, he always encourage us to start our proposal hmm or I can called it he ‘forced’ us haha but it’s still good things tho. And also at that time, it was the start where I was looking for professional help. after that I learned about my self, that depression is on me since a really long time ago, I just didn’t realized it or idk what is it yeah minim of education. It’s started come out when I’m in college. I was read somewhere that it because of there was a big stressor that make depression come out. And I can say that my college life is hard, not only the subject, practicum but also because the environment, love life, friendship and amount of different problem every semester. At that time, I mean in 2019, my subject didn’t that much or I can say that it was an easiest semester for me but I didn’t realized that there are too much pressure. Have you ever heard about unconscious stress? I think it’s all about. It’s not about my college life but it’s about the battle inside me and it’s the first time bomb inside me explode. There are too much things inside me, the monster inside me didn’t want to hide anymore. I can’t help it, I can’t keep it anymore. That time, I really lost my self.

And the worst thing is at my lowest, there was a news about suicide from one of my favorite idol. I know nothing about mental health so I keep read the news and boom it’s so sick. Even tho I didn’t want to read it, it still everywhere like I can’t shut it up. I was tried to close all of my social media but it’s not help at all. So yeah, I was went to class with bright smile and laughed with my friends but sometimes suddenly my heart hurt like some hands squeezed it hard, I was laughed but if I can potrayed it into comic, you can see my bubble show some people end their life in many ways. It keeps running inside my head and I already too tired to stop it so I just ignored it. I was cried everyday, literally every day. So when I was too tired to just smile and my tears won’t stop, I decided to take a rest and didn’t attend class for several days. I also hided some object that I can use to hurt myself to my friend’s place. After that I was looking for professional help cause I really want to the things inside my head to stop like I can not live with that all the time or I would actualize one of them.

So yeah, I was working on my proposal while take some help from professional. It feels better sometimes and the other time still bad. I will not instantly be okay by that but still it’s better. Do you know why it is better? Cause I finally got validation from the valid one that I really really not okay. Yeah I’m the one who always need validation for all of the emotion that I felt which is so so bad. So I want to tell you that if you feel happy, sad, angry, not okay then you feel it. It’s okay. Nothing wrong with that. I was (or still) hate my self when I feel sad, angry or any negative emotion like I should feel happy everytime. It’s so stupid I know. I always looking for other people validation so I always like “is it okay if I feel sad on this? Feel bad on that? Angry with it?”, I always asked my friend about it, you can ask her.

In January 2020 I finally got a proposal seminar after too much drama hahah also the struggle to finished it. I was take a rest for 1-2 months but still working on my instrument then in March, I got a really really bad newsss like I wish all of that just a bad dream and I want to wake up soon but it just an empty hope because everything was real. Everything that I planned was messed up. And my bad because I didn’t have a B plan. I’m the one who didn’t like to planning what I want to do because when I didn’t reach it or not doing well, I’m about to be sadder 10 times than if I didn’t planned anything. But ofc I need planning at that time and when everything was messed up, I felt broken and need some times for accept it and get up again.

I’m always being late than anyone else at my age. So I can said that time I need to make some decision by myself and actually I never ready for that. Also my parents gave everything on me. Sounds good right? But I never made any big decision by myself in my own life. Yeah everything that happen to me always by on my parents. I started didn’t obey them when I decide to join campus organization. At first I told them but then I was disappointed them cause my grade really bad whereas all of my college mate also the same. So I quit and at the next year I joined them again, didn’t care about my parent’s opinion on it. And I really really really reallyyyy didn’t regret it. I would regret if I follow my parents again that time. I’m sorry mom and dad. Oke back to topic, so yeah that’s my life, I rarely make decision by myself alone. And suddenly I need to make biggest decision that determine my future, tbh I was so stressed back then. Idk how to do it and the most important things I really really really afraid of being failed. I’m afraid for being imperfect. Ik it’s so stupiddd. that’s my depression side that I really want to erase from my self and I wish I already make it now.

March 2020, everyone in this world know what time it is. Yeah the time COVID-19 discovered around the world. We need to back to our hometown and do everything online. Psycholog and psychiatric’s patient grow bigger. Many people were stressed because of this situation. You need to stay at your home, doing everything from home, economy decrease and many more that everyone knows. Oh btw, I stopped to take medicine that time cause I’m so scared to going to hospital and felt better (which is don’t ever follow this one cause it’s so dangerous for suddenly stopped your medicine). But everything became worse. You know when everything were offline we hardly met our lecture and when it’s online it become worse. I believe my email left in read or even didn’t opened for few months, barely feedback and started depressed again. I feel like I already fail.

I went to hospital again in July because I was so sick of that and can’t control myself again. I still remember when I was sat down on the waiting chair, that time I really want to give up. I already made some scenario how to end my life. I was sat alone with blank stare with dozens way to end my life in my head. I think I already spilled it at my other writing. At that time, I think that was my lowest point in my life but I’m wrong because there was another lowest, truulyyy lowest point. At that time, I felt like I’m useless, I’m imperfect, I’m failed, I’m an embarrassing daughter (this one is my biggest fear), there is no future for me, everyone already running meanwhile I still fell in the darkness without any lighting. I’m stuck. I’m so scared. I told my friend what I felt but I’m sure she was so bored to hear the same thing everyday. But you must to know at this point, I just want to be heard because no matter how long your advice it wouldn’t work. Depressed took over me, again. I lost my sanity. When depressed took over me, everything seems dark and no hope and other negative thing, I can not thinking about positive thing. I’m hopeless. I want to give up, I didn’t want to fight again, I didn’t have any energy to do that. But after that, I’m still breathing. Again. Why? I was still afraid of afterlife anyway. Also, I was waiting for NCT Dream’s comeback. You can call me irrasional or anything but yeah that’s it. Small reason that keep me still alive so if I didn’t stan them anymore in the future I would still remember that they gave me a little light in my darkest.

Then, I worked on my thesis while doing community service and teaching practice. I also already write down this story. It still hard cause at that time we can met with lecture directly with their permission but I still hardly did it cause I’m far far away from campus. The feelings still the same or even worse cause yeah unfortunately I didn’t connected well with my friends. Maybe they are okay but I’m not so there are too much problems in me even affected to my menstrual cycle.

2021. I hoped it would better but once again unfortunately not. I already finished my research that time. Oh anw, I finished my validation at last 2020 with so much drama haha. I need to change one of my validators because he didn’t want to be validator anymore and I need to pay again to get new validators. I’m so sick with that but because I’m already hopeless so I just let with the flow. Also the other one validators finally accepted mine with drama that I would keep just for mine wkwk. So yeah. I thought after that, I would worked on my thesis smoothly like I was dreamed about this moment for a long time. I really want to take another step. But depression didn’t let me.

When people asked me “why you are being so late?” then I would answer “because of COVID-19, because I’m late at taking community service” etc. anyway I still need something to be blamed. I already blamed myself enough. So yeah COVID-19 is a good choice, besides it’s true tho. But the mainnn reason is not just about it. So here, I would give the right answer that I never answer honestly to anyone. The main reason is because I was depressed. I’m depressed because of my thesis and I can’t worked on my thesis because I’m depressed. Thanks. It became a vicious circle. And I didn’t want to be honest to anyone because I really didn’t like to hear

 “alah, skripsi doang kok stress”

“padahal gitu doang loh”

“kamu stress karena skripsi? Seriously? Dunia kerja lebih berat loh”

I’m so fucking hated that kind of shitty comments. Like, who the hell are you? I’m the one who through all of this and you didn’t even help me in any way so just shut up! You didn’t have any right to invalidate my feelings. So guys, if you feel stressed out because of thesis or anything that other people think “it’s just a small thing”, don’t ever listen to them!!!! They are not in your shoes. They will never ever understand what you feel. Your feelings are valid. If you stress, then you are. If you feel sad, then you are. Oke thanks, I’m sorry for being emotional.

So yeah I’m stuck for fucking 4 months I think. I think I need to proud of myself that I still worked on it even just 1 paragraph once hahah. Btw I have social media anxiety. First it start at 2018 so I uninstall my instagram then using it again in 2019 for organization purpose but with new account. After that, I rarely open my ig, maybe once in 2-3 months or if my bias had live IG. Then, start at 2020 was WhatsApp and worse at 2021. Yeah you know, I’m scared even just to heard the notification or felt my phone was vibrated. I’m so scaredd so sometimes I disappear from WA. And I was scared of laptop hiks. You know I would trembling and full of afraid feelings if I saw laptop. So how I’m gonna working on my thesis if I was scared at laptop??I was cried everyday. Familiar? Yeah, it’s almost the same at 2019. But I feel like this one is the worse everrr in my life. Because at that 4 months, I was cried everyday. I cried a lot, not just silent cried but also screamed a lot. I went to Makassar because maybe I’m so stressed at home. Oh btw I always mad when I was at my home. Maybe it’s because the accumulations of various emotion in me that I keep alone then I throw it out to my family, the only one that I can show my angry face. And I’m so sorry for that. I always blamed myself everytime I’m getting angry. So it feels like I was run away from home haha.

And at this moment too, I met my online friend, Coco hihii. We met in twitter thru college base. She was looking for someone that can working on her task tgt however via online and I think maybe I need it too so I hope I can working on my thesis so after that we became friends and working on together. Reallyyyyy big thanks to Coco, without you I don’t think I can through all of this. We usually working for 3-5 hours yeah ofc it’s not a full time haha because sometimes I opened my twitter if I felt bored. But it’s fun, we started getting to know each other. We never had a lot of chatting but we immediately had a video call. Co, you must to know that I’m sooo nervous because idk you and suddenly we had a video call. It’s crazy but I was crazy that time so yeah. So guys I thinks it’s so effective if you want to working on your task with other people buttttt make sure that you really focus. You need to find the right partner. You can have a conversation with your friends so that you wouldn’t feel sleepy easily. Also you can exchange ideas with your friends. Sometimes, if I worked alone, if I’m stuck then I gave up and go to sleep but if I’m with my friends, I can asked them and we can discussed. Thank you Yul, Ainun, Iman, Coco, and Emi. They are my thesis’s friends haha. Thanks to Emi and Fira to let me invade their kost haha.

Finally, after a long battleeee, I finished my fucking thesis. There is a turning point in my life before this. I officially finished everything at July and graduated on August and before that biggest thing happen to me that making me who I’m now. I would write it later on my other writing, don’t forget to read it hahah.

Like what I said before, I learned a lot from this journey. What is it? I learned that it’s okay to be imperfect (which is soooo meaningful for me), I learned that if you are not perfect doesn’t mean you are failed or embarrassed daughter but it means you are human because nobody perfect, I learned that if you didn’t reach your goals on time doesn’t mean you are failed, I always remember what my supervisor told me when I was wrong but didn’t remember clearly what the right one at first, thru this I didn’t hate false that much, I feel like I need to be wrong sometimes to remember the right one after that. Oh anw my supervisor reallyyy kind so sometimes my friend feel it weird that I’m so afraid with them. But yeah anxiety and depression already took all my sanity. I learned that I shouldn’t to give up when I feel like there is no light anymore in the darkness. I just need to looking at the other side, still trying to find the light no matter what. I need to fight more, because the light would getting dimmer if I hide my face btwn my knee and my arms. I always remember Renjun said “it’s easy to give up, but in the end you’ll gain nothing. It’s hard to hold on, but at the end you’ll gain a lot”. If I gave up at that time, I will never write this and you will never read this. This journey taught me that no matter how hard it is, I need to keep walking, sometimes take a rest but not giving up, I need to keep walking to reach my goals. Keep walking, keep breathing even if everything seems unsure but if you still walking you will get something because life is unpredictable.

I learned that I’m not the best planner but Allah SWT is. If my plan didn’t work then Allah SWT’s  plan will work and it’s 10x better. I learned that I shouldn’t keep everything ALONE. I’m social creature, I’m not that strong to thru everything alone. Sometimes you need someone or some people to help you to pull up your rope so you are not in the darkness anymore so you can continue your journey. If you are being good to other people then Allah SWT will pay your kindness. I learned that Allah SWT love me, Allah SWT still want me to keep in this battle, Allah SWT help me, I have Allah SWT. I learned that the one that I need to beat is my self. My laziness, anxiety, hopeless, useless, all of those feelings that I build my self. This journey is not a competition. Everyone has their own times. Sometimes I was envy my friends, they already reach this and that and here I’m still in this place for really a long time. But I learned that everyone has their own struggle that I know nothing about, I just saw their happy face when they got what they want but not the struggle behind it. Maybe the same with other people saw me and then you read this long journey wkwkwk. This is what actually happened.  

Last, I hope whoever you are that still battle with this shit, I hope you keep your sanity (tetaplah waras gaes!! Hahaha).  I hope everything going well. So classic but don’t give up gaes, keep fighting to found the light, please. Don’t ever compare yourself with the other because you is you and them is them!!!. It will never change and Allah SWT always has different path for us. If you feel stressed then take a rest, go to take some walk, hang out with friends, walking alone, going to karaoke (plz males googling englishnya, sudah lelah), treat yourself with delicious meals, have a deep talk with best friend, doing some hobbies, looking for professional help!!! if you feel that you need it then go, don’t think that “it’s just fucking thesis and I’m going to psycholog?? What the other ppl gonna say?”  Persetan anjir sama apa yang orang bilanggg. Yourself first. You are the only one who needed it. In this journey, you need to cover your ears properly and for the other people stop asking anything if you didn’t want to help!!! you just give a lot of pressure. But gaes, sometimes your friend asking to help you, so yeah just let them. If you feel didn’t have a friend, open your eyes widely or just call me wkwk. Last again, don’t think that you are failed, late, and the other same things. No, you r not failed, you just need to try harder, you are not late, just your time haven’t coming yet. Enjoy every moment. But still don’t be lazy!! Your stuff wouldn’t type their word alone! Akhir kata, SEMANGATTT DAH LO PADA!!